Wednesday 4 January 2012

Eye say, Eye say, Eye say......

Avid readers and those with good memories may recall that at the time of my original surgery, my left eye was sewn to make the exposed cornea smaller. In technical terms, this is a tarsorrhaphy - and yes, I did check the spelling as a good pedant should! I am becoming more familiar than I expected with various medical definitions....

Avid readers may also recall that having two eyes so different in size and shape has made me very self-conscious about how I look, especially when the rest of the left side of my face is affected by facial palsy. It has meant that wearing make-up, for example, is virtually impossible and, in fact, I have only done it once when Neil and I were at a posh dinner in London. I know that's a pretty trivial side-effect, but it feels like one more thing that is different from how I was before and another step away from normality. I know there are much bigger things, both in terms of effect and complexity, which need to be done to my face but for some reason, having differently-sized eyes has been a pretty major issue for me. I have said all along that having my eye reopened would make a huge difference to how I perceive my face.

When we saw the plastic surgeon in October, I asked him about whether there was any chance I might have my eye reopened and he referred me to the surgeon who performed the original tarsorrphaphy (there she goes, showing off again!) and we saw him this morning. After an eye test and various measurements being taken, we had to wait to see one of his junior consultants, who asked me to do lots of blinking, looking up, looking down, put some stain in my eyes, tested the sensitivity of my cornea (apparently I am quite insensitive in both eyes) and then said she thought it would be possible but wanted the surgeon to have a look. We then saw him (lovely man) and he was less positive about my blinking reflex but said that he would be very happy to reopen my eye and to improve the blinking, he will insert a very small gold weight into my eyelid. It won't be visible when you look at me, but I will feel it as a slight weight on my lid. This is the best news I could have been given. I know that my eye will not be exactly the same as my right eye but it will be considerably more like it than it is now and it will make me feel that there's some progress being made  in my quest to look more like the person I used to be.

The operation won't take place for another four or five months - he said he could have reopened my eye today under local anaesthetic and then called me back for another operation to insert the weight but I said I'd rather wait and have them both done at the same time. Although this is a medical trauma I am choosing to put myself through - and, let's be frank, it's entirely for vanity as there is no medical reason for me to have this done - I do want to minimise the medical intervention so it makes sense to wait and do it all at once.

As this is purely for vanity, rather than medical reasons, does this make me the same as someone who has cosmetic procedures done to stave off ageing, or to have gravity-defying boobs? I have always been quite scornful of those people, thinking that medical resources should be devoted to helping sick people, not pandering to someone's self-image and yet here I am, asking for something to be done to make me look better. Am I just the same as the woman wanting cheek implants to look younger, or lip-fillers, or unfeasibly pneumatic breasts? I like to think I'm not but when you look at the facts, am I really that different? I don't need this done. I want it done. It won't make me better, but it will make me feel better. It will help with my self-image and might make it easier to be seen in public places, but it won't cure me.

Am I going to go ahead with this, despite all these questions? You bet I am!!

19 comments:

  1. Well you have the gravity defying boobs (or as they are known in the trade - a good sports bra) so get the eye done too!

    Seriously (well as serious as I ever get) this is far far removed from elective cosmetic surgery so not another thought on the matter. Just get set to flutter your eyelashes in your usual, but slightly more symetric, manner.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oooh a piece of gold on your eyelid - how very bling :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I shall be the blingiest person you all know :-D

    ReplyDelete
  4. Completely different set of reasons for your corrective procedure Ali. I like the idea if a piece of gold in your eyelid!

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's a world away from getting your boobs done just because you fancy bigger ones, you have a perfectly valid reason for it - just don't get a gold tooth to go with the eye!
    Denise

    ReplyDelete
  6. Interesting. I guess it is easy to judge those who have elective surgery but without understanding the deep seated reason for the decision they make, we probably shouldn't. Your reasons for getting your eye done are perfectly valid. However, I do think that some people who get other surgery could equally have very valid reasons for doing so if how they look effects their lives to the extent that they too feel they cannot go out in public.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Has your smile been affected? That's what lights up your face. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous, yes, my smile has been affected. I can now only smile on the right-hand side of my face, so only half my face lights up. There's no emoticon for a lopsided smile, so I can't show you what it looks like!

    ReplyDelete
  9. You are having a reversal of a prior medical procedure as far as I can see? I don't personally class this as cosmetic work and think you'd struggle to find it advertised for profit :-)
    Great news

    ReplyDelete
  10. If you practice, I'm sure that smile, with a little raise of the eyebrow, it could turn into a little cheeky/sexy smile!

    As for being anonymous, I am just a blast so far in the past, I may as well be anonymous (female I'm afraid lol!) but your positivity has made me realise that I have to get my house in order and start taking care of the body that god gave me - luck has got me this far.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh!and by the way. We spend a fortune dyeing/perming/straightening our hair, waxing lips,legs etc wearing make - up, fad diets, high heels - none of which are 'necessary', but give us the confidence to face the world. If this is what you need/want - you go girl! NOBODY but NOBODY is going to judge you. x

    ReplyDelete
  12. It create better to function of surgery. Information create well functions and features of surgery. Sound effects good on the time of surgery.

    ReplyDelete
  13. "Anonymous" - go on, give me a clue! Are you from school past, or university past?

    "facial surgery" - thank you for your comment.

    ReplyDelete
  14. A Hah! I am from school and didn't make it to the last get together.

    ReplyDelete
  15. That doesn't narrow it down too much! Were you in my class? I may end up having to keep guessing names till I get it right! :-) - unless you want to "out" yourself!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Umm.. I guess I should let you know. My name is Fiona Donaldson (Lindsay - C class). I lost contact with everyone when I left in 5th year and now realise what I missed when I went to the anniversary night out.

    You have lived a very full life from what I have seen and was very shocked to read of your diagnosis. I have a friend who has recently been diagnosed with Parkinson's at the age of 52 and is finding it difficult to deal with people who think he is 'drunk'. His highs and lows are regular and his wife, who is also a close friend had treated for cancer of the bladder only three years ago, deals with it all fantastically. You're strong too. Everyone is entitled to 'off' days.

    Once the 'wee ones' are in bed I will sign up.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Aha! Fiona Lindsay (still can't break the habit of using people's maiden names!). I missed the get-together last year but the 2010 one was a complete blast :-)

    Parkinson's is another wicked disease and especially when it hits someone so young. The thing is that people don't really understand the symptoms so would look at your friend and think he's just had a few too many - it's viewed as an "unglamorous", old-people's illness, isn't it? All good wishes to your friend and his wife.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Looking for some positivity in my life and many
    years ago, it was the gym. Took a leaf out of your big book and started back today - looooooong way to go!lol

    ReplyDelete
  19. Baby steps, Fiona - that's how I started out when I got into exercise 9 years ago (blimey!!). Well done getting back to the gym - now let those happy hormones have free reign (or is it rein?)!

    ReplyDelete